Sunday, December 26, 2010

OMG!! I'm out of control........

Well, Christmas is over and the leftover goodies are sitting on the counter in the kitchen. I didn't bake this year or make any goodies but I ended up with several "well meaning friends" giving me some. I did make some "Spiced Nuts and Pretzels" from the recipe I found on Cathy's blog. It's quite good but a little goes a long way. I am trying to avoid eating these things but occasionally, and that means practically every time I pass by them, I eat one. They consist of fudge, chocolate covered peanuts and a plate of assorted cookies. To be honest, I haven't opened the cellophane on the cookies. However, I have been eating larger amounts than I am used to eating and also making poor choices of what I am eating. Also, we went to friends' home for dinner yesterday and I made and brought a delicious Irish raspberry and cream cheesecake. It was pretty delish if I do say so myself. This morning I stepped on the scale because last night my jeans felt unusually tight in the waist and thighs. OMG! I am up six pounds. And that is 6 pounds over the high end of the floating weight that I have been maintaining for the last year. I miss that feeling of my band keeping me from overindulging in whatever I eat. I haven't dieted since I was banded. That was 2 years and 9 months ago today. I have just eaten what I wanted and my portions were so small that I just lost weight. Well, when the saline is taken out of your band your restriction is way down. In fact there isn't anything I can't eat. This is the most tempting time of the year for eating and drinking. And since I decided not to bake this year as it would be too much of a temptation I thought I would be alright. And I haven't attended any parties or celebrations so I thought I would be okay. But I feel so bloated and mad at myself, it's like I used to feel before the band.

I've also been a little lax with my workouts the last couple of weeks. I either have missed a workout here or there or just skipped going to the gym all together because I had to much to do. I have still been going though so I don't know why my weight jumped so fast. I refuse to gain back my weight and I have an appointment to meet my doctor at the lab for an upper G.I. on February 1st. If my esophagus is not dilated anymore I should be able to have a fill again. But if not then I will have to wait another 3 months. Why did this happen to me?? I know (through reading their blogs) quite a few lapband patients and I am the only one going through this. It will be two years in February since this ordeal began. I had a feeling of being stuck and whatever I ate wouldn't go down. Like the band got tighter or something. I was constantly sliming and having to spit in a cup as we traveled down the road with our friends on our vacation. Then I barely made it to the bathroom where I vomited (TMI) My throat immediately swelled up and I felt like I was strangling. That began the reflux I had which caused me to eventually sleep sitting up. I was taking Prilosec twice a day and still had reflux only the meds reduced the acid so the reflux was just liquid. When I couldn't seem to get on the path to lose more weight I went in for another adjustment. My hubby wanted me to tell the doctor what I had been experiencing with the reflux and having to sleep upright. As soon as I told him, he arranged for the first upper GI. At the laboratory I was placed standing up on a machine that was to xray my esophagus as I drank a liquid. I drank it and watched the liquid on the tv screen next to me and saw the liquid go down my throat and then instead of flowing past the band it made a left turn into a new "pouch" and only some of it went through the band. The doctor said, "that's what I was afraid of, your esophagus is dilated" meaning it had a bulge in it to the side. He immediately removed my fill and told me to come back in three months and he would check it again. What this means is I was overfilled. I was too tight. But now, I no longer have the reflux and I can sleep laying down again since this happened. But, I can also eat pretty much like I am not banded. The last time this happened (one year ago) it wasn't during the holidays so it was easier to not gain any weight. Now I am about to go on a month long trip and I worry I will eat badly and gain even more weight. So, I am thinking should I go on a diet or should I just watch how much I eat or what I eat? I hate being in this situation again. I thought I had this under control. So, there is never a cure for overeating other than willpower or a device such as the band which helps you to not eat so much. I refuse to go out and purchase larger sizes again. I just bought new clothes and I like the way they look on me. That should be enough to keep me from making poor choices when I eat, but then I would never have needed the band if I was that much in control of my eating. I am throwing the goodies in the trash tomorrow morning.

Well, I think my only way to handle this is to start counting my calories so I lose what I've gained and then hopefully I can lose a little before I return to the doctor for the next test.

Hopefully I have the willpower to do this. I am also going to pitch the goodies in the trash tomorrow morning.